Drops of Awesome and Ups and Downs

I just recently read a blog post via a friend on Facebook called Drops of Awesome. I recommend EVERYONE read this.  Even if you aren't a religious person, this has principles that can be applied to anyone's life. Anyhoo, this post has altered my reality in the very best way.  I've been struggling with what I'm sure is depression (not clinically diagnosed because I'm too prideful to go to a doctor about it) for at least a year and half now and this woman put into words what I never could AND gave me a way to move forward with my life.  I always seem to think of my life before having children (ages 17-21) as perfect because I was so confident, responsible, motivated, friendly, organized, seemingly mature and knew what I wanted.

Then I became a mother.

I had all sorts of expectations of myself and what things should be like.  Like most things in life, not all expectations are met.  I'm a perfectionist and that made things worse at times.  After a while (basically two kids later) my confidence in my abilities to be motivated, organized, patient, take on responsibility, be friend, etc, etc were shot.  All I wanted to do was sit on my couch, and shut out the world.  I felt completely isolated.  Whenever I would try to convey my concerns to friends they would poo-poo my vent and say, your house is always clean (only because I knew you were coming over), you're a great mom (when people are watching), you have great ideas to do stuff (but when do I follow through), yadda yadda.  This was adding to my isolation because I didn't feel anyone understood.  I'd occasionally call my mom and dump my cares on her, but I couldn't do that too often because I knew she was carrying her own heavy burdens with life.

Change gears.  All this info will come full circle, I swear (I am a rambler, I'm well aware)   (That rhymed :))

I've obviously been taught about the Atonement my whole life.  I've understood the idea behind it and tried to apply it but many times I don't feel the change or somehow feel like I can only take certain problems to the Lord because only certain things are big enough, or important enough. I can honestly say I've had one experience in my life where I REALLY felt the Atonement and that wasn't even for sin.  That was a time when I felt sad and alone.  I've struggled to have that ever since.    I understand that I need to repent of everything I do wrong, but previously this always felt like I was a hypocrite because I would commit the same sins over and over again and I started to feel like, why do I even repent because I know I'm probably going to yell at my kids again tomorrow or (please don't call CPS on me) spank my son. This thought process was causing me to dig a pit that I couldn't ever get out of and wasn't allowing myself any slack or any joy in my small victories.  But now, after reading this post, I feel like the Atonement is more accessible to me.  The idea of taking something good that is in me and adding the Atonement somehow made it feel more reachable.  That the good choices I've made will add up and not be taken away.  So that in the end, if I mess up, I should repent, and that when I occasionally (hopefully, progressively) make better choices, I can have joy and congratulate myself and not belittle my success and fear my future because I might do it again.

Essentially, to add to their word picture:  A sieve-  There is grit and gold in a sieve.  When I repent, the grit is gone and the gold remains and I get to keep and accumulate that gold.

So on Sunday I bore my testimony of this because I really knew it was true.  I felt it.  I am doing it. To cement my feelings about it, we had an excellent lesson in Relief Society about New Years Resolutions.  The teacher talked a lot about going forward with faith and how the Atonement allows us to do so.  I felt an affirmation this was true.  The Atonement is what is going to bring back joy and confidence in my life.

At this point I was at an emotional high.  And then another low came.

I was talking to my mom on Skype and she was telling me how my dad's dementia is progressing (regressing? getting worse!) and that she wanted to let me know that she will not be flying out to help me for the usual week or so after this baby is born.  I was mostly in shock when she told me.  I've always known my dad's condition would get worse, but I didn't realize how that might affect her coming to help me.  Normally in situations such as these I would feel angry and that life isn't fair.  But I just couldn't.  I knew my mother would want to be with me and I certainly couldn't be angry with my dad for having a condition that no one should suffer from.  But I felt sad. Unbelievably sad.  I still feel an aching-aloneness that screams how am I going to manage that first week when this kid comes and my hormones shift and my kids are wondering who's taking all my time.  Not to mention the physical discomfort that I'll be working through.  I cried. A lot.  I cried myself to sleep.  I know I'll have many more cries about it.  But at one point in the middle of my grief I had the thought of, -You can do this.  You were built for this. You have been prepared for this.  You have the faith required to do this.  You will be alone, and yet you will not be alone.-

I know this was an absurdly long post, but the point of all this is I know I can go forward with faith and step into what feels like the dark.  I know the Atonement is enough for me and I was given life and a body to be happy.  I don't need to hold onto so much guilt and self doubt that is robbing me of  the joy that can be experienced little by little everyday.