Drowning
Does anyone else feel like they're drowning. I sure do. Every day is a fight to stay afloat. I try to grab onto a slippery, rolling log called patience but it seems to slip out of my hands when I need it most.
I wish I could say my transition with having two kids is getting easier, but it's not. I fight feelings of loneliness and inadequacy daily. My oh-so-two-year-old K1 is a real handful. He pushes the limits every day. Getting into things he shouldn't, harming his sister (usually not purposefully), and/or whining without end. I try to take him outside to let him run around and get into stuff, but he runs into the road (yikes!!) and ALWAYS screams and thrashes when we have to leave. I try to give him plenty of one-on-one time. Read books together, play with trucks, snuggle and what not but it never seems to be enough. We adhere to a good routine so his life can be predictable but he's still so hard. It doesn't help that he doesn't communicate on the level that most of his friends do (I know not to compare, just saying life might be a little easier if he could.)
My sweet little girl is neglected most of the time because I'm tending to her brother or some disaster he's caused.
Did I mention my husband is gone all the time?! I asked him if he could be home on the evening of my birthday and he said he 'couldn't make any promises'. I wish I felt like I was more of a priority...
I'm trying so hard to do things to make myself happy and cover the emptiness I feel. I'm always working on some sewing/home improvement project and reading a book. But joy doesn't follow like I hope. I feel like everyone offers to help me but doesn't ask for help or accept my offers leaving me feeling in debt and a mooch all the time.
I cried to my mom the other day because I knew she'd understand because she was a single parent for 5ish years to three young children. It helped, but sadly didn't fix my predicament.
I don't want to be the parent who is angry and yelling all the time but I find myself slipping into those habits that I so hated as a child.
I know I need to learn how to be happy now and I try to every day but I find myself coming up short and feeling like a failure whenever I go to bed.
Here's to hoping and trying to make tomorrow a better day.
I wish I could say my transition with having two kids is getting easier, but it's not. I fight feelings of loneliness and inadequacy daily. My oh-so-two-year-old K1 is a real handful. He pushes the limits every day. Getting into things he shouldn't, harming his sister (usually not purposefully), and/or whining without end. I try to take him outside to let him run around and get into stuff, but he runs into the road (yikes!!) and ALWAYS screams and thrashes when we have to leave. I try to give him plenty of one-on-one time. Read books together, play with trucks, snuggle and what not but it never seems to be enough. We adhere to a good routine so his life can be predictable but he's still so hard. It doesn't help that he doesn't communicate on the level that most of his friends do (I know not to compare, just saying life might be a little easier if he could.)
My sweet little girl is neglected most of the time because I'm tending to her brother or some disaster he's caused.
Did I mention my husband is gone all the time?! I asked him if he could be home on the evening of my birthday and he said he 'couldn't make any promises'. I wish I felt like I was more of a priority...
I'm trying so hard to do things to make myself happy and cover the emptiness I feel. I'm always working on some sewing/home improvement project and reading a book. But joy doesn't follow like I hope. I feel like everyone offers to help me but doesn't ask for help or accept my offers leaving me feeling in debt and a mooch all the time.
I cried to my mom the other day because I knew she'd understand because she was a single parent for 5ish years to three young children. It helped, but sadly didn't fix my predicament.
I don't want to be the parent who is angry and yelling all the time but I find myself slipping into those habits that I so hated as a child.
I know I need to learn how to be happy now and I try to every day but I find myself coming up short and feeling like a failure whenever I go to bed.
Here's to hoping and trying to make tomorrow a better day.
Comments
PLEASE keep taking people up on their offers to help, and don't worry about paying anyone back! You do it naturally, and your efforts are appreciated. I don't think anyone would consider you a free-loader ;)
But honestly, remember to take care of yourself...however you can make it happen, just do it.
And (totally speaking from my own experience; not sure if this applies to you,) don't compare yourself to others. It doesn't help. We only see what we want to see in other people, and usually we compare our worst selves to the best parts of other people. I used to read those cutesy Mormon-mommy blogs every day, and just got so. freaking. depressed. I couldn't accomplish 1/2 of what those women seem to be able to do in a day.
And I'm finally okay with it! I find a few things in my day to be happy about, and try to forget the rest of it as soon as I go to bed. Give yourself some credit for all the awesome things you're doing!
I have no way to tie this all together; just know that you are cared about!
I'm planning to call you tomorrow. Let's chat.
Just remember that they are only little like this for a very short time. Hard to remember when you're holding a screaming baby and your toddler is tearing the house apart, I know, but it's true. You will miss this phase, in that you will miss their sweet little faces and their cute little hands and their thirst for life.
You are wonderful and your efforts will be worth it and definitely don't be afraid to ask for help. You are so loved!
Take some time for you on a regular basis. If you can swing it, hire someone to watch at least K1 for a few hours every week. There might be some beehives/mia maids that would love to watch him and they could count it as personal progress service hours. Go to the bookstore, walk around the mall, go for a walk, take a class, get some exercise - or whatever you enjoy doing but spend at least a couple of hours each week refilling your bucket! You will be amazed at how much just that little bit helps you each week!
Another idea with K1 is to find local things for his age that do not cost a lot of money. Library storytime, swim lessons, gymnastics class, playdate with friends, playing at the building museum, going for a hike, etc. I found my kids did much better (eventually) at leaving activities if they knew the activity would happen again on a regular basis, especially if I was not the one in charge of making the activity end - like storytime at the library. They also enjoyed the rhythm of knowing they had something scheduled to do each day. It helped chore time go easier in the morning because they wanted to be able to go to their "school".
If you need anything or have any questions, just let me know - csamto(at)yahoo(dot)com.
I had the hardest time when I first became a mother. Everything that I thought should be, wasn't.
I was not happy staying at home. I was depressed and always looking for a way to get out of the house.
Just know that everything that you are doing for your children is appreciated. Heavenly Father sees you trying. He knows your heart and how you wish things to be.
You are not alone. You will get through this.
Jenny
I don't know if you know this but Mark and I moved to Denver two and a half months ago so that he could go to pharmacy school. He is busy with school - as I know he should be. But I have been unable to find a job doing ANYTHING, let alone something I want to do. So I spend my days trying to stay busy in our little one-bedroom apartment. It is sometimes hard to enjoy this moment in our lives.
I hate having to go to church every week and having people ask me if I have found a job yet, or constantly be asking me what I am doing with myself every day. I know they ask because they care or are just trying to make conversation but it is still hard to not feel like you are failing.
I know that this probably doesn't really help, but maybe in some way it will help you know that as awful as it is - you are not alone. I don't know if there is some magical thing to do to help those feelings go away - but I will say, the more dedicated I am to my daily prayer and scripture study the more "okay" I feel about my current situation.
I know it is much easier to say than do, but keep your chin up girl. Their has to be something we are supposed to learn from these situations. Love you - PS - Happy Birthday!
A couple weeks ago, I just felt terrible and I couldn't figure out why. And it hit me, that I needed to get closer to Heavenly Father. I'd been slacking on my daily study/prayer. So to kick start me, I watched the general relief society meeting (we had it recorded because I hadn't seen it), and Pres. Uchtdorf's talk in particular just seemed to ease my mind, and gave my spirit the relief it was so desperately needing.
So I would strongly suggest if there's a time where both your kids are taking a nap, do something like that. It's a sacrifice, I know, but that's what I had to do. And if they don't ever nap at the same time, make it when K1 takes his :) If you're like me you'll be so glad you did. That's such a terrible feeling, I hope you can find some relief!
I kept my sanity by doing volunteer work at the elementary school nearby. Me and several other moms in our ward all took turns taking care of eath others children so that the moms could go and do service and it was amazing what that little bit of time away from my kids did for me.
I also was very involved with the ward Relief Society activities (a babysitter was usually available) and I needed that contact with other young mothers just like me. Older, more experienced moms would ALWAYS tell me to enjoy my kids while they were young.....but it was very difficult some of those days. Children are so loving and forgiving and don't expect their moms to be perfect (thank goodness!) so just do the best you can do, whatever that is, and don't sweat the small stuff :)