The Struggle is Real and Beautiful and Humbling

It's so easy to look at a picture like this one and think how beautiful and wonderful everything must be in it.  It's true, the golden sunset gently touching the plants and causing them to glow provides a wonderful backdrop for family photos.  You may also see the clean, matching shirts, combed hair, and coordinating shoes.  What people don't see is the worry, stress, mental fatigue and the *sometimes* feeling of wanting to run away from it all.

But what may surprise you is that I'm grateful for all of it.  If I had never experienced the excruciating things, I wouldn't be able to experience/appreciate the love, miracles and blessings that God would have in store for me and my family.

There have been many times when my family has gone for a drive without me or everyone is asleep late at night, and  I have collapsed to my knees, sobbing and initially feeling sorry for myself and then turning my heart and mind to prayer.  Sometimes I'm asking for answers, sometimes asking for relief from the pain, fear and unknown.

And then it comes.
The peace.
The answers.
The love that God feels for me, for my son, for the rest of my family.
How it matters to him.
That I'm not alone.

I've never received more revelation in my life as I have in the past year.  Each time, though, has been preceded by a period of doubt, darkness and despair that felt like I couldn't breathe.  It's those moments that draw me closer to the One that knows everything.  I've always thought I was so smart, that I could do anything.  I've since learned that any good idea has never truly been mine but inspiration from the Lord and that it is He that gives me strength to accomplish whatever is necessary.

Raising Luke has been the hardest thing I've ever done.  It hasn't actually been him that's been hard.  It's me.  I've wanted to be the best person for him.  I don't have room for bad habits/addictions, past trauma, or loathing self talk to crowd my mind and spirit.  I've limped along for so many years, ignoring these deficiencies and now they've come to a head because I'm at capacity mentally and emotionally.

 And yet I need more.

More from myself for Luke, for the rest of my family and, really, for me.  I never thought becoming would be so painful.  I don't think I could have done it for myself.  I don't value myself enough (yet) but I would do anything for my children.

Luke, thank you for coming to this earth. For being brave and patient enough to endure this trial called autism.  Thank you for choosing me as your mom.  I promise that while I am riddled with flaws, I'm no quitter and will fight for you and never rest.  I have faith that I will hear your beautiful words and know this experience will be for our good.

Thank you to Adam, my patient, loving, supportive husband.  He listens to my same worries and concerns, over and over and over again.  He validates my struggle and loves me when I feel unlovable.  He is the best provider for our family.  Luke's new preschool is very expensive.  Add the cost of gas, tolls, additional therapy, doctor visits, supplements and special food and you've racked up what many people make in entry level jobs. And yet we're okay because of what Adam does.  Add on top of that his coming home and giving his time to the kids and helping around the house to give me a break.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Marrying Adam was the BEST decision I ever made or will probably make.

Thank you to my other, beautiful, patient, helpful and kind children.  Alex, especially, takes the brunt of my frustrations.  It's completely unfair and yet I don't feel it is any accident that he's the oldest.  He has a strong will and a forgiving heart.  He makes a lot of mistakes: teasing, lying, deliberately disobeying and yet he can be so good. He'll give away his own things and go without when someone is feeling bad, help someone else if they're about to lose a privilege, and comfort you when you're feeling down. Compassion, mercy, redemption, charity, forgiveness.  They are the most beautiful qualities.  I'm having to constantly remind myself of his incredible qualities and not focus on the small negatives. These other things are little hiccups and ultimately he's allowed to be a kid and screw up sometimes.

Lily. My sunshine and laughter.  My second in command.  I'm pretty sure if something happened to me, she'd keep everyone on schedule and accountable. I wish I spent more time one on one with her doing things she loves: sewing, crafting, cooking fun foods and even snuggling.  Her main downfall is how easily she can get frustrated and thus leads to whining drama.  I think it stems from dratted perfectionism.  Hopefully she'll work through it and outgrow it.  Then again, she's growing up too fast...

                  

opefully she'll work through it and outgrow it.  Then again, she's growing up too Anyone who meets Elliott can sense his fun and loving spirit almost immediately. People can't help liking him. He was heaven sent. Such an easy baby, my champion sleeper (he could fall asleep in less than 5 minutes whenever I needed him to), always willing to share his toys, first to volunteer to help with projects, and sharp as a tack. He essentially taught himself to read at 4. Learning is like breathing. Have I mentioned his comedic timing? This kid is also hilarious! Elliott is a compassionate, forgiving and fun brother. I am amazed at Elliott's ability to be a peacemaker. I'm excited to see this kid grow up. I know we'll be best friends our whole lives. He is truly a gift.  

hampion sleeper (he could fall asleep in less than 5 minutes whenever I needed him to), always willing to share his toys, first to volunteer to help with projects, and sharp as a tack. He essentially taught himself to read at 4. Learning is Claire is our little ray of sunshine. She is our happy reminder that life does march forward. Her happy disposition is exactly what our family needed. She reminds us to laugh. She also sets an amazing example of how to interact with Luke. She imitates his sounds, his interests, and essentially lets him know that she loves him exactly the way he is. She knows what she wants and goes for it.